So its Christmas again! Again. again. yay. So I feel like writing before I make a song, here goes...
I am sitting in a Panera sipping on my free coffee made possible by someone a little more joyous about the 25th than myself. My sister is home for the holiday, though currently preoccupied by an old friend and another friend won't answer the phone leaving me somewhat bored and lonely.
On the way, Maitta called, she was bored as well and this saddened me as it brightened my mood as I realize how much I will miss her when I do not return to Warrensburg. And now I think about Warrensburg, and my reasons leaving that place. Part of me is now free from there, another misses the experience.
Warrensburg makes Rolla seem dull when it comes to diversity. All my friends are white here, in Warrensburg, this was not the case, and I miss it. I miss the fun I had in discovering the fun to be had with peoples of other color of skin. I miss the changes it presented for me and now I am bored with all white friends. I wont lie, I was at first uncomfortable with the African Americans I would later call my best friends as I had never formed relationships with people outside of white or Asian backgrounds. I choose to grow comfortable though and as a result found some people who genuinely cared about me and one particular individual who would become my best friend. I am changed because of this, and it is for the positive, and now I cannot go back to the ignorant individual I was.
But I am home again, and I have some truly great friends here that I am now getting to spend time with. Yes there are some complications, I am still single and very much despise someone who walked over me and sits conveniently in the center of everything, but I suppose all is going alright. As of last night I changed, and didn't stop caring about these troubles, but for some reason, they quit bothering me. I'm sure they will in the near future, or maybe not, but right now I feel somewhat secure and ok with the situation that is my life.
New Years. Shit. I know that won't be fun. I mean, it will in the sense of celebration of a new year, but it will mean another year of personal failure and another time I fail to succeed in my New Years resolution that I have failed in time and again. Since 04/05's New Year change, I have still failed to end the new year in a kiss. It means more that just a simple kiss, it means to end the new year in a relationship with someone who cares for me. Someone I love and who loves me. I don't suppose eight days will change this as two years have been wrought with failure for me in this goal. My heart sinks though when the new year comes and I am alone.
And I am alone. A friend complains to me how he hasn't gotten any action in months. I want to yell at him about how long the last two years have been for me where I have not experienced one single moment of intimacy. Not one single kiss. Only betrayal, usage of my emotions, and rejection have presented themselves to myself for two years.
But I am suddenly ok with it. I realize I have some amazing friends who care about me, and realize how much more I have then most people in that sense. I'll just have to stay myself and wait for a relationship, or forget about having one and someday I hope it'll just happen. I'll meet someone who isn't interested in drama, someone who has a genuine heart and cares about mine. Yeah its a lot to hope for, an idealist view. But I have hope.
